Off in Clone Land
by Got Scots
Summary: Ewan McGregor's clones are off on their own in this crazy adventure. What will become of them? ...key dramatic music...
1. Port Keys!

_Disclaimer: If I really did own all Ewan McGregor's characters, do you really think I'd be writing? No! I'd be too busy snogging them all. TWICE!_**

* * *

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**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter One_

"Where the hell are we?"

"Master…"

"Sorry. Where the heck are we?"

"Master, what are heck and hell?"  
"Where the sith are we? And who the Sith are you?"

"Master!" The young Padawan was now bawling his eyes out. Of course, Obi-Wan couldn't see this. The room was completely dark. He walked blindly round the room with his arms stretched out, looking for Anakin. "Hey!" Anakin exclaimed as a light flickered on.

A blank, white room was revealed with the flick of the switch. There were boring, white walls and in the centre of the room was a circular, wooden table with a red table cloth. At the very centre of the table was a blue plate with two eggs on it. "Whoa," Anakin marvelled at the table. He then looked up and realised Christian and Valiant were in the room with them. "Hey guys!" Anakin said. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes.

Christian stared at the room in awe. "We must be in the future," he mused.

Obi-Wan snorted and looked round for a door. "Crap. There's no doors, no windows. How the Sith are we supposed to get out of here?" He looked like he was gonna kill someone. And who knows? Obi-Wan is a pretty violent guy, as we've learnt so far.

"I'm hungry, Master," Anakin looked pleadingly up at Obi-Wan and then back down at the plate of eggs. Behind his innocence, he looked like he was gonna kill somebody too. Obi-Wan waved away his Padawan and Anakin reached for one of the eggs.

Suddenly, the room turned into a giant, futuristic swirl. Obi, Anakin, Christian and Valiant were soon falling through space and time. Surprise!

Their helpless, little girl wailing ended when they landed hard on a wet, playing field of some sort. All four of them looked up and gazed in wonder.

Woosh! Apparantly, the eggs were being used as a port-key from the lovable stories of Harry Potter--only 29.99 at your local bookstore. A Quidditch player swooshed over the group's head and it was then that they realised they were sitting in the middle of a Quidditch field during a heated match.

"They're trying to play a game!" Anakin cried. "Hurry, we better move out of the way!"

The four of them scuttled off of the field and into some random tent that was decorated in Gryffindor colours. Harry, Ron and Hermione were standing inside. "Who are you?" Obi-Wan asked flatly.

"I'm Harry Potter--"

"His pen name is Hairy Toilet," a red haired boy finished.

"Pen name? You write?" Christian asked.

"Fanfiction!" Hairy Toilet nodded.

"Did somebody say fan fiction?" Sam, Laura and Shelby seemed to appear out of nowhere. And with all the magic and spell in Hogwarts, they probably did. They were dressed in elegant, Harry Potter style robes. Sam was wearing Slytherin, Laura was wearing Hufflepuff and Shelby was wearing Ravenclaw.

"How did you get here?" Obi-Wan started flipping out. Valiant flew up and inspected the girls to make sure he wasn't hallucinating.

_Why would you be hallucinating, Valiant? _he asked himself.

Remember that clown named Bobo standing on the corner of Main Street and East Broad? The guy that handed me a package a few weeks ago?

_Yes._

Guess what was inside.

"We got here through the magical, unbelievably awesome powers of… writing," Sam explained. "We wrote ourselves in."

"You've gotta be kidding me…" Obi muttered. "Well then tell us--how do we get out?"

"Remember that port-key?"

Obi-Wan, Anakin, Christian and Valiant slowly nodded.

"There will be a port-key in everyplace you visit," Laura explained. "All you have to do is find it."

Obi gave Anakin a look. "I wonder how the others are doing…"

* * *

_Well here we are! --claps and begins to slice cake-- I'm glad you decided to join the adventure of the port-keys with the clone gang! If you haven't the slightest idea what's going on, maybe you should check out the story before this: Attack of the Ewan McGregor Clones._

_So what did you think of this chapter? Stupid? Funny? Cuckoo? As a matter of fact, I'm listening to the song "I'm a Cuckoo" by Belle and Sebastian. Good song. Anyways... Happy Holidays everyone! This was my gift to you. Wrapped with a bow even. Oh yes._

_--Got Scots?_

_PS: Can you believe I spelt hallucinating right without spell checker? I was amazed!_


	2. The Underwear Tree

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Two_

By now, the fantastically gorgeous four were seated in the Gryffindor common room with Ron, Harry, Laura and Shelby. Sam was in the Slytherin common room snogging Draco.

"So has anything in this common room ever looked like a pork tea?"

"PORT-KEY!" Valiant corrected as Ron snorted at the idea of pork flavoured tea.

"Shut up, short stuff," Obi sneered.

"I'm not short!" Valiant cried. "I'm… I'm… FUN-SIZED!"

Immediately, the girls burst into laughter as each of them recalled the size of the candy bars that houses gave out for Halloween. Shelby slapped her knee in amusement and Laura let out a loud laugh. "I—I don't get it," Christian said innocently.

"He is so hot," Laura whispered.

* * *

Speaking of hot… "Mmm, Draco."

"Mmm, yes?"

"You are so hot… especially in your Slytherin boxers."

* * *

Valiant and Obi-Wan calmed down abruptly when a roaring voice echoed through the room. All heads turned to the fireplace.

In the fireplace, a beautiful face emerged from the ashes. It was not Sirius Black, but instead, the Doctor. The Doctor coughed a few times from the ashes and then began his speech. "Greetings, fellow humans and pigeons. I have come to tell you that you have been placed in an alternate world and that there is no way out."

Anakin shivered. "But the writers told us if we found all the port--"

"Bah!" the Doctor laughed. "Don't listen to them!"

Suddenly another face shoved it's way into the fireplace. It was their cloned original--Ewan McGregor. Laura had to keep herself from squealing. Shelby had to keep herself from rolling her eyes. Ewan said, "Yeah. That's right! Don't listen to them. You've been banished from my presence." He was about to leave, but then he came back and added in a childish voice, "And you ain't comin' back!" He stuck out his tongue and then made an even rudder gesture.

As soon as Ewan left, the Doctor began again. "As I was saying, there is no way out of this alternate world. Try as you might, you will never be able to see us again. Or seek revenge against your little pal over there," he motioned to the direction Ewan had walked in.

"So…" Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "They only reason you used the last bits of your magic corn feed was so that you could spook us?"

"Er…" the Doctor looked round for a moment. "Yeah, I guess so."

Obi-Wan blew a strand of hair out of his eyes and made a face. Too embarrassed to say another word, the Doctor's face vanished from the fireplace and the room returned to normal. Laura turned to the Jedi Master, "Obi-Wan. I never saw this cynical side of you in the films. I mean, you were always such a nice, caring, heroic guy. What happened?"

* * *

Speaking of nice, caring and heroic guys… "Draco. You are such a nice, caring and heroic guy," Sam said between kisses.

"Heroic?" Draco questioned. "I never saw myself as heroic. Or caring. Or nice, for that matter."

* * *

"What?" Obi looked up. "Oh, sorry. Were you talking?"

Laura pouted and looked at Shelby, hoping she would insult him. Shelby stuttered for a minute and then said, "Yeah, Obi. What happened? You were much hotter when you didn't act like this."

Obi-Wan sighed and shifted positions. "Well," he began. "If you really want to know. After the filming of the third movie, I received a letter from an Australian psychic named Carl. The letter told me that this kid was going to chop me in half in the fourth film." He motioned to Anakin with his finger--I won't tell you which one.

"I didn't know they had Australia in the Star Wars universe," Shelby commented.

"They don't," Obi-Wan said as his eyes widened with excitement. "That's how I know he's a real psychic. He comes from an alternate world."

"Yeah, okay," Laura smiled.

Suddenly, Ron piped in. "Hey, you lot. I remember something that was recently added to the dorm. I found it a bit unusual, but it may just be what you're looking for."

* * *

Speaking of a bit unusual… "That's a bit unusual."

"What's a bit unusual?"

"Your breath smells like Scotland. Is that even possible?"

"All the better to kiss you with, my dear.

"Draco… that doesn't make any sense."

* * *

The group raced up to Harry and Ron's room. Ron walked into the closet and pulled out a strange looking object. I don't even know how to describe it, so I'll let you use your vivid imaginations and create this… thing. "Here it is," Ron said proudly.

"What the…" Shelby began.

"It's an underwear tree," Ron smiled. "Seamus made it… don't ask me how."

"And how is this a port-key?" Laura asked.

"Well it's new round here and uh… that's what you asked for isn't it?" Ron wondered. He looked so innocent, holding that underwear tree in his left hand.

Obi-Wan reached his hand out to touch it, but quickly pulled back.

"Oh, c'mon," Ron laughed. "It's not gonna kill you!"

Obi-Wan and the others made a face the screamed, "Yeah, it _is_ gonna kill us."

They all held their breath and Obi-Wan, Christian, Valiant and Anakin placed the tinniest bit of their finger on the disgusting underwear tree. Suddenly the room became another giant swirl and the four of them cheered. They had finally done it, but… where were they off to next?

"Aaaaiiiyah!"

This loud yelping noise made the four of them blink their eyes open immediately. They looked round only to be greeted by a set of majestic hills and a beautiful sunset. In front of them, a man with a green cap and pointy ears was practicing his swordsmanship. For some reason, whenever he swung, he made the "Aaaaaiiiiyah!" noise.

"It's beautiful…" Christian let out a deep sigh. "Almost poetic."

"Shut up," Obi-Wan snarled. "I want to know who the Sith this kid is." He walked up to the green capped man and punched him lightly in the back. "Who the Sith are you?"

"M-Me?" the man stammered. "I'm Link! And this is my horse, Epona." Strangely, nobody had noticed the horse before.

Obi-Wan stared at him with his mouth wide. They were in yet another land where they had to find a port-key. Obi couldn't believe his freakin' luck!

* * *

_So the next world, the games of Zelda, are in honour my wonderfully awesome Christmas present--the Wii! If you don't play the games, don't worry--they won't be here long. I just had to fit it in somewhere._

_And come on people! Where, oh where have you gone? I have ZERO reviews!_


	3. How 'bout a Drink?

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Three_

Obi-Wan was just about to hurry over to the rest of the group, when he saw them speaking to a shadowy figure. This figure was dressed in a long cloak with the hood pulled over the head. Obi made a puzzled face and turned away.

* * *

"I have come to deliver you a message," the cloaked figure said.

"I can't see your face," Anakin whined. He tried looking at the figure at all different angles. "And why is your voice so deep? You look like a woman."

"What makes you think I look like a woman?" the cloaked figure asked.

Anakin bent down just to double check. Then he stood up and faced the figure. "Those high-heeled boots you got on, sir."

The figure look down at the boots and scoffed. "I didn't know I was wearing those," he muttered under his breath. "Anyway," he continued. "There's something I have to tell you, Anakin. I come from the future and I must warn you that you cannot let Obi-Wan boss you around. It'll start getting to your head, young Anakin. You've got to stick up for yourself."

"Stick up for myself?" Anakin queried.

"Yes," the figure said. "You must defend your pride, Anakin. Don't let Obi-Wan make those rude remarks at you any more. Think, Anakin. What can you do to get back at him?"

"Uh…" Anakin scratched his head.

"What is it your having trouble with?"

"The thinking part," Anakin nodded.

"Here," the figure said. "I'll think for you." He too scratched his head, but it made this strange sound as if he were scratching metal. "What if you… I don't know. Say! What if you used the popular technique of _annoyance_."

"Annoyance?"

"Yes," the figure coughed loudly. "Annoyance. Annoy Obi-Wan Kenobi until he bursts… mwuahahahaha!" The figure hoped on his horse and rode away into the sunset.

"Who do you suppose that was?" Anakin asked Valiant and Christian.

Christian shivered. "I don't know," he said. "But he sure was creepy."

"I feel like I've seen him before…" Ani began.

Valiant couldn't hold it in any more. "You twits!" he said. "That was the famous, the one and only Darth Vader!"

"That's a nice name," Anakin said. "Oh yes! I have seen him before. And he was wearing those boots! But last time I saw him, he and Obi-Wan were… uch." Anakin stopped before he got too descriptive. He began to ponder why an evil villain like that man would ever do that sort of thing. Or wear those sort of boots.

* * *

Obi-Wan tried to make this conversation as quick as possible. "Mr Link, sir," he said. "Have you seen anything new and unusual in this little town here?"

"New and unusual… Aaaaiiiyahhh!"

"What was that for?"

"It helps me think." Link continued to cut bits of the grass as he screamed "Aaaaaiiiiyahhh" at the top of his lungs. Finally, he calmed down and walked over to Obi-Wan. "I've got it," Link said. As he spoke, subtitles began to appear near his waist, just like they did in the video game. "These three new guys in our town. They've recently become the town drunks. It's all they do. Sleep and drink. I wish I could help them, but I've got more important things to do."

"Don't those annoy you at all?" Obi-Wan pointed to the subtitles.

Link sighed. "Well, you get used to them. After all, I've got other things to worry about. But you should've seen me in the Ocarina of Time. When the first introduced those subtitles? Boy, did I go crazy."

"Yeah, okay," Obi-Wan said. "How 'bout those town drunks? Where can I find them?"

"Where do you think?" Link hopped on his horse and rode off into the sunset just like that other high-heeled villain.

* * *

The town's bar was rowdy as ever. After all, it was just about happy hour when Obi-Wan, Christian, Valiant and Anakin walked in. All four of them felt terribly awkward in a place like this. They walked over to the bar. Obi-Wan spoke first, "Hi, um… this may sound strange, but where are the town drunks?"

Behind him, Anakin placed bunny ears above Obi's head and mimicked him in a high-pitched, whiny voice. The bartender said, "Er… they're that way."

Obi-Wan turned round to face Anakin. "What is your problem, Padawan?"

"Nothing!" Anakin smiled. Behind him, Christian made a face.

"Okay…" Obi-Wan let it slide as he headed over to a dark corner in the bar. He stood by a table where two familiar faces sat. "Are you kidding me?" he said loudly.

Ewan and Hayden sat at the bar, laughing at something George had said. "To get to the other side!" George held his stomach as he laughed even harder. "What the hell was I doing _directing_? I should've become a stand-up comic!"

"I know, I know," Ewan rested his hand on George's shoulder and giggled. It was only then that he noticed his better half standing in front of the table. "What the--"

"You!" Obi-Wan gave Ewan a nasty snarl. "I knew I'd catch up with _you_!"

"Ooooh," Ewan laughed. "Wutcha gonna do? Cut me half with that little sabre sword you got there? Ha ha ha!" He leaned on Hayden and the two of them laughed together.

"It's lightsaber," George correctly stiffly.

"Sorry, mate," Ewan laughed. "What do you want?" he turned to Obi-Wan.

"I want the port-key," Obi-Wan said.

"I want the port-key," Anakin mimicked.

"Shut up!" Obi-Wan turned to his apprentice.

"Shut up!" Anakin smiled.

"Will you stop copying me?"

"Will you stop copying me?"

"You Sith-head!"

"You Sith-head!"

Obi-Wan growled and turned back to Ewan, George and Anakin. He tried to ignore Anakin's little mimickings and such. "I would like to know if you've found anything new and different while enjoying your stay at this _stupid _town."

"New and different?" Hayden laughed. "Oh, I've found something new and different. It's called Gin, Tonic, Scotch and Tequila all mixed in one. Our creation," he pointed to himself and then to George.

"That sounds disgusting," Christian cut in.

"Not after you've had each one individually first!" Hayden laughed.

Ewan raised his eyebrows. "Never got round to tryin' it that way."

Obi-Wan let out a loud sigh. He was getting quite annoyed at these three. "Look, you idiots," he began. "We need to find a port-key. Otherwise, we'll never get back to the real world so we can… so we can…" Obi's eyes lit up. "So we can destroy you!" It had been his plan all along, and now the three balls of hatred were sitting right in front of him. Obi-Wan smirked. "That's it! Down you go, Ewan Sith-Head McGre--"

"That's it! Down you go, Ewan… what?" Anakin asked.

"Will you stop that?" You could practically see the steam coming out of Obi-Wan's head.

Anakin smirked. "Will you stop that?" He reached over to Obi-Wan's head and plucked out a grey hair. "Master, you're getting old!" He darted off with the grey hair between his fingers.

"Give me that!" Obi-Wan cried.

"Why should I give it to you?" Anakin stopped running--he wasn't getting very far, anyway.

"Because it's mine!" his master complained. "You see this hand? It's mine!" Obi-Wan smacked Anakin with the back of his hand. "You see that hair? It's mine!" He attempted to grab the hair out of Ani's hand. "Give it!"

Christian turned away from the argument and looked pleadingly into Ewan's eyes. He looked like he was going to get down on his knees. "Please, Mr McGregor, sir. Please, tell me if you've seen anything new here lately. I must get back to my own world and find my love, Satine."

Ewan snorted. "Hey, I look pretty damn adorable when I beg."

"Please?" the light was shining perfectly in Christian's eyes.

"You look like an idiot," Anakin argued.

Ewan shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I haven't seen anything new, really. I've only been in the bar my whole stay. The only thing new I've seen is… well that drink they mentioned earlier I suppose."

"The drink!" Christian exclaimed. He raced to the bar and ordered a Gin, Tonic, Scotch and Tequila all mixed in one. Then he carried it back to the table. "C'mon over here, Obi-Wan and Anakin!" he cried excitedly. All of them put their hands and the drink and… WHOOOSH!

* * *

_SNOG SNOG SNOG SNOG SNOG... that was for you, Angel of Music Lover. Anyways, I'm kind of stuck on where I should go from here, so it may take me a bit to get the next chapter up... well, that AND exams are coming up. Uch. Well, guess what Ewan fans? My teacher is giving us a film project and two of the films on our list to choose from star EWAN GORDON PRECIOUS MCGREGOR. Hehe. I chose Big Fish, since that is my all time favourite movie ever I think. What is your favourite Ewan movie? Hmm?_

_-Got Scots? Do ya? Do ya? ...Okay, I'm hyper._


	4. Welcome Home, Dahling

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Four_

Obi-Wan awoke to the sound of silent sobbing. He blinked his eyes open and they revealed a small room with a desk and a typewriter. The room was slightly messy, especially the desk. It was cluttered with old brandy glasses, crumbled pages and notebooks. Obi-Wan quickly turned around, scanning the room. Anakin was lying next to him, Valiant was knocked out on the table and Christian was sitting in the corner, his shoulders shaking.

Obi walked over to him carefully, "Uh… Christian?" The naïve writer turned to face the cynical Jedi and Obi saw how red his eyes were. It was _Christian_, who had been crying! "What's uh… what's wrong young Padawan?"

"Young… what?" Christian sniffled.

"Nevermind. I slipped."

"Oh," Christian said, forcing a smile. "It's just that… it's… this is my house! I'm finally here! All I have to do is step outside and I'll find my…"

"Your what?"

"My Satine!" Christian cried. For some reason, this made him start sobbing again. When Obi-Wan shot him a clueless look, he added, "She's my… well, she's my lover, but you can't tell anyone."

Obi-Wan carefully sat down beside him. "Why not?"

Christian paused before continuing. "There's this man… the Duke. He wants to take her away from me. Isn't that awful?"

"Oh yeah," Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "You sure have it rough, buddy."

"Why did you give me that look?" Christian batted his innocent eyelashes.

The old Jedi Knight decided to stand up right then. He wandered over to the window and took a look outside. Everything was extremely old fashioned--the buildings, the streets, even the plants were old fashioned. "Where are we?" Obi-Wan asked. "I mean… what year is it and all that crap?"

Christian answered from his spot on the floor, "France. The year 1899, the summer of love--" he let out a sigh, but was interrupted by Obi.

"Please," Obi-Wan nearly choked. "When I said 'all that crap', I didn't mean… all _that_ crap." He rested his hand on the window sill and stuck his head outside, so the breeze tousled his hair. "Even I'm slightly excited to be here." When he saw Christian get all teary eyed, he turned back and added, "_Slightly_."

* * *

"So this is it? The Moulin Rouge?" Anakin asked. He turned to the three girls who had so kindly lead them there.

The one girl, who seemed to do most of the talking, was dressed in a tattered old skirt, tweed coat and a 'Tom Baker' scarf. She said, "Yes, of course. Did I mention my name was Sam? And this is Shelby and Laura." She motioned to the girls as she said their names. They were both dressed in a similar style to Sam.

"Wait," Obi-Wan waved his hand in disbelief. "You mean… Shelby, Sam and Laura as in… those crazy fan fiction fan girls who keep--"

"Pretty much," Sam finished for him. She and the girls started for the inside of the Moulin Rouge. Once they were inside, they were met by a red haired girl in a red, velvet coat and a top hat. She smiled at them and if she had a long moustache, she may have very well curled it just then.

The red head greeted them with a bow, "Welcome to the Moulin Rouge. And welcome back, Sam, Shelby, Laura and…" Suddenly her eyes widened in disbelief as she pushed Obi, Anakin and a squawking Valiant aside. "Christian?"

"Do I… know you?" Christian asked as he tilted his head to the side.

"I am Natalie! Zielder's daughter! I've heard _all _about you," she cried as she patted him on the head. "You're that--"

"Wait, wait, wait," Sam laughed. "Zielder's _daughter_? You mean Zielder's actually married?"

Natalie nodded. She wrapped her arm around Christian's shoulders and pulled all the way up to the stage. She lifted her hands in the air and sparkle lit her eyes, "Welcome home, Christian darling!"

The writer bit his lip and looked away, slightly embarrassed.

Obi-Wan marched up to the stage, Anakin and Valiant following after him. Obi furrowed his brows, "Hey look carrot-top--"

"That wasn't very nice!" Anakin cried.

"That wasn't very nice," Obi-Wan mimicked in a high-pitched voice. This shut his Padawan up. "Look, Miss Whateveryournameis, all we want to know is if there's been anything new around here. Have you seen anything… oh, I don't know… out of the norm?"

Natalie hissed at Obi-Wan and then turned back to Christian. "If you don't mind, I was in the middle of a very special introduction. Please clear the stage."

"But--"Obi-Wan tried.

"Clear the stage!" Natalie suddenly yelled at the top of her voice. Christian winced as Obi, Ani and Valiant slowly stepped off the stage. "Now… where was I?" Natalie asked herself as she shot the three boys a playful smile. All of the sudden, the lights dimmed and Natalie walked into a spotlight. Her singing voice was soft and simple at first, "When our little baby left, life was nothing but a glum one. All the shows were flops I tell you, 'til we found that special someone…"

The spotlight lifted and the lights flashed red. Girls all wearing top hats and skimpy outfits flooded from the balcony, the wings and anywhere else they could flood from. Christian stared in disbelief. Now, Nat was belting, "Now he's back! Yes he's back! Our little baby, Christian's, come back! The Moulin Rouge is no longer under attack!" She paused for a breath. "No more angry critics, no more Duke visits! Christian will save our shows!"

Now, the girls in top hats started circling around Christian and marching to the beat. Christian stood in the middle, knocked for six, until Natalie snuck in. She held his hand in the air and sang, "Round and round they go, where they'll stop, nobody knows!" The girls all stopped when she said this and nodded at Christian. Then they began dancing with each other and one girl grabbed Christian and danced with him centre stage. Natalie belted, "Christian, Christian, he's our man! If he can't do it…" she paused for effect and a quick breath of air. The girls stopped dancing and made jazz hands. Christian attempted to follow along. "No one can!" The lights flashed and confetti began falling. Soon the girls raced off stage giggling and Nat bowed.

Obi-Wan, Anakin and Valiant stared blankly. Sam, Shelby and Laura clapped wildly. "That was great!" Laura called as she whistled.

"Fantastic!" Sam screamed and blew a kiss at Christian.

Shelby squealed with delight and said, "Amazing, Natalie!"

Obi-Wan snapped out of it and shook his head. He stared at Anakin and Valiant to see their reaction, but they were still in shock. Natalie carried Christian in her arms and rushed down to the rest of them who were standing in the aisle. Anakin asked, "Do you… do you do this everyday?"

"Pretty much," Laura nodded.

The Padawan turned to his master. "Master? Can we stay here! I like it!"

"No," Obi-Wan said gravely. He shook Ani's shoulders. "Anakin, don't do this! Don't do this!" Anakin stared at him with wide eyes.

He asked, "What do you mean, Master? This place is nice!"

"No, Ani. No!" Obi-Wan cried to the heavens. "You can't do this! You're turning to the dark side! Just as I predicted!"

Now, Anakin was equally worried. "I am? Oh, no!"

"You can't like this," Obi-Wan searched for the right words. "This pink… fluffy…hootsy-tootsy dance stuff! The dancing and the singing and… and you _like_ this?"

"I'm sorry, Master! I'm sorry!" Anakin bit his lip. "I won't like it anymore. No more singing, no more dancing, no more showgirls! I swear! I'll pretend I never saw it! As a matter of fact I'll like the complete opposite! Anything dark, cruel and evil."

"Good…" Obi-Wan let out a sigh of relief.

* * *

_I just finished watching The Producers for the millionth time (actually second) and I was totally in the mood to write another show stopping number. I hope you enjoyed it! And I hope you enjoyed padmedelacour's cameo as Natalie. If you're wondering who else has a cameo, I'm suppossed to be the character Sam (don't worry, I'm not that crazy), J'amie L'amour is Shelby and mindreader208 is Laura._

_Well, please, any reviews will help me at this point. Any things you'd like to see happen in the story? Like... should Christian and I make out? I think so! Any ideas and critisim are welcome. Happy er... Monday._

_-Got Scots?_


	5. Christian Departs

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Five_

"Satine? Satine?" Christian's eyes widened as he watched a red-haired girl in a bright red dress enter the Moulin Rouge. He raced down a long stretch of empty space with lust in his eyes.

Satine's eyes sparkled as well as she cried, "Christian! Christian!"

Obi-Wan muttered cynically, "Shoot me. Shoot me."

All eyes turned to the two lovers as the embraced. Christian broke out into loud, adorable tears and Satine patted him on the back. Anakin asked bravely, "Who is she?"

There was a loud gasp that came over the Moulin Rouge. Even the Elephants' mouth widened a bit. Sam hesitated before answering, "Um… well… she's Satine."

"Duh!" Laura interrupted. She rested her hand on her hip dramatically.

Christian decided to take it from here. He wiped his teary eyes and sniffled before beginning. Slowly he released Satine from his embrace. "She's my true love!" he cried. Dramatic, slow, lovey-dovey music blared in the background. "My one and only! We were meant to be!"

"Oh great…" Obi-Wan muttered. His eyes darted off so that he wouldn't be watching the raging lover. Then, just for effect, he covered his ears.

"Obi-Wan?" Christian asked worriedly. "I'm terribly sorry, but… I can't stay with you anymore. I don't see any point seeking revenge against Ewan and Hayden. They never did anything to me. And plus, I can stay here with Satine now."

"What?" Obi-Wan stared in disbelief.

"It's just that… I don't see any point. I really don't. If it comes to the point of our adventure when we meet up with Ewan and Hayden, I won't be of any use. I don't want to fight them with swords or anything."

"Lightsabers," Obi-Wan corrected angrily.

"Light… sabers…" Christian smiled. "Maybe… if Satine could come…"

"Nope!" Obi-Wan piped up. "You can stay. No prob, mate."

"Since when do you say 'no prob'… and 'mate'?" Anakin ask.

"I find it slightly adorable," Sam grinned.

Obi-Wan pouted. "Note to self. Never say 'no prob' or 'mate' again."

"What?" Christian stared blankly.

"Never mind…" Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Run along lovebirds…" He searched the room quickly, reminded again that he needed to find the port key. "Satine!" he called out. "One thing before you leave. Do you mind if we touch you?"

"What?!?"

"Oh!" Obi-Wan realised his poor word choice. "It's just…" He patted her gently on the back and instructed the entire crowd to do so. "Congratulations," he smiled warmly. The entire crowd patted her happily. Christian stared in awe.

"Congratulations for what?" were Satine's last words before the room swirled and began fading to black.

* * *

_Sorry this took me so long but I've been grounded from the internet! I'm writing from Journalisim class and that's why this chapter is so short. So before I get in trouble... see ya'll!_

_-Got Scots?_


	6. Not so Similiar

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Six_

"Oh my God! Yes! Yes! Yesssssssss!" Sam cried as she jumped up and down and danced all around. Then she fell to the ground, kissing the sand and then wiping it from her lips. She lifted handfuls of the sand and threw it into the air, trying to forget the coughing crowd behind her.

Once Laura took it all in, she went up to Sam, avoiding the large rains of sand, and tapped her. "Can you believe it?" she asked in barely a whisper. Her eyes scanned the beach, the palm trees and the little tents.

"Can I believe it? No!" Sam cried. She stopped rolling around drunkenly in the sand and stood up. "We're gonna get to see--we're gonna get to see--"

"Jack!" Laura smiled.

"DEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSMOOOOOOOOOOOOONDDDDDDDDDD!" Sam went crazy this time, jumping around and hugging random people. Soon, tears were pouring from her eyes. "We have to go find him!" she said, panting. She raced off into the distance, in search of her lover.

Laura awkwardly faced the wide-eyed group that was behind her. Anakin raised his hand as if he were in school, "Where are we?"

"There's no doubt we're on the set of Lost," Shelby grinned.

"It's not a set, it's REEEEAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL!" Sam cried as her shadow continued running in the distance.

Obi-Wan made yet another cynical face. He scanned the area of tents and pointed in the direction of the closest one. "Well," he said. "Since we're _still_ not back in the real world, why don't we go ask around for port-keys. Again."

"Why?" Shelby challenged. "I mean, we spend all our time looking to get back to our homes. Why not soak it in for once?"

"She has a point," Valiant and Ani said at the same time.

"Jinks, you owe me a--" Anakin began.

"Soda," Valiant grinned proudly.

Noticing that no one here was ready to take charge, Shelby headed off to the tent by herself. Soon, the rest of the crew was shuffling behind her. She attempted to knock on the tent, but realised how stupid this was. "Er… hello?" she called.

"What do you want, cupcake?" a Southern accent came from inside.

"Sawyer!" Laura exclaimed.

This strange reaction was enough to get the Alabamian out of his tent. He pushed back the blue, tarp curtain and tossed back in a magazine. He stared blankly at the strange group in front of him. "Who the hell are you?" he asked.

"V-Valiant!" the little pigeon saluted. "Valiant the carrier pigeon at your service."

"So those birds that Claire was going crazy about did work," Sawyer said mostly to himself.

"Claire!" Laura cried.

"What the hell is your problem, missy?" Sawyer asked, looking straight at Laura.

"I'm on Lost…. I'm on Lost!" Laura looked around, still in shock.

Sawyer squinted at her, making sure she was really there. "What?"

Soon, a bit of a crowd had gathered around them. Behind Sawyer's tent, Claire, Charlie, Sun, Jin and Hurley stood watching. Inevitably, Laura cried, "Claire! Charlie! Sun! Jin! International House of Pancakes!"

"Hey!" Hurley said, realising she was staring at him. "That was not one of his best nicknames," he pointed at Sawyer. "And plus, since Sawyer lost to me in ping-pong, he's not allowed to say nicknames. Ain't that right, redneck?"

Sawyer groaned. "Sorry," Laura smiled weakly.

Shelby stared, starry-eyed at all their visitors for a minute. Then she asked, "Hey have you guys seen that guy uh… Desmond? One of our friends has gone off in search of him."

"You mean the kid who ran screaming through our camp?" Sawyer asked.

"Sort… of…?" Shelby faked a smile.

Sun unfolded her arms so that she could point down the stretch of beach. She said, "Desmond has set up a tent down there. Far away from everybody else."

"Figures," Shelby shook her head. "Thanks for the tip."

The crew of Laura, Shelby, Obi-Wan, Anakin and Valiant headed down the beach, admiring the view as they walked. Well, except Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan refused to admire anything after he found out about the news of his death.

They soon came upon a quaint little tent. Everyone hesitated before it, remembering what happened when Sam met Draco. Bravely--_very_ bravely--Shelby opened one of the flaps on the tent. It was empty. She thought for a minute and then made a face. "Oh please say this isn't the episode where Desmond runs naked around in the woods…"

"Excuse me? Are you looking for me?" a sweet, Scottish accent filled the air. The entire group slowly pivoted around, hoping they would not get in trouble for searching Desmond's tent.

Desmond stood, holding a rifle in his left hand and a backpack in the other. He furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of a crowd in front of his home. Laura was the first to speak up. "Have you seen any crazed fans running around here lately?"

"Crazed… fans?" Desmond asked slowly. "I'm sorry. You must be looking for Charlie. We get confused often… Americans find our accents similar," he rolled his eyes.

"Similar?!" everybody but Des recognised Sam's voice behind them. They all turned to face her. She had been hiding behind a rock, probably waiting for her prey. "They're not similar at all! Yours is more beautiful, earthy and poetic. His is… stupid."

Desmond set down his backpack, watching Sam in amazement. "Who is this girl?"

* * *

_No bloody way! I'm sorry if you don't watch Lost but I was thinking 'where should they go next?' and well Desmond's my screensaver so obviously, you can see where I got this idea from. Well a lot of Star Wars fans watch Lost so I should be okay... if not, COMPLAIN! And I will change the fandom quicker._

_My apoligies if Sawyer's not from Alabama. I just liked saying 'Alabamian'._

_-Got Scots? Their accents are NOT similar._


	7. Jackums

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Seven_

"Oh my gosh," Laura sighed as she glanced over at Shelby. "Look at them. They're actually getting on."

Shelby's eyes wandered over to the lovely couple sitting on the beach. The pink and orange sun was setting just above their heads. They snuggled closer as the night grew colder. "Who knew Hurley and Valiant would even be… compatible?"

"A pigeon and an obese man. I wonder what would happen if they--?"

"Can you shut those two up?" Obi-Wan interrupted. He had made his way over from his spot on the beach beside the two lovers. "All I hear is 'your beak is so shiny'! 'Your hair is so big!' Mir wird's schlecht dabei."

"I never knew you spoke German!" Shelby cried.

"It's not German," Obi-Wan's eyes scanned the beach with fear. "It's a top secret language used only by the Jedi."

Shelby laughed obnoxiously. "Ich denke nichts. Ich spreche perfekt deutsch. Und ich bin ein Jedi nichts."

"Was? Shut up! Shut up!" Obi-Wan covered his ears in disgust. He was so freakin' distracting that nearly everyone on the island was staring at him now.

Shelby dismissed him with the wave of her hand. She knew a couple of inappropriate insults in German, but decided not to throw them at Obi-Wan. She asked Anakin and Laura, "Where do you think Sam and Desmond went? I hope they're not… getting busy."

"Ew!" Laura cried. "I could _never_ think of Desmond that way. He's not the best looking guy you know… now _Jack_ on the other hand…"

"Let's not get into this," Shelby giggled.

"Please," Obi-Wan said flatly.

Shelby stood up. She glanced round the beach and finally spotted Desmond's tent nearby. She motioned for Laura, Obi and Ani to follow her. Finally she arrived in front of the tent and said warily, "Hey… you guys… doing anything?"

Laura slapped her.

"What?"

"You could have worded that one a whole lot better."

Sam and Desmond exited the tent. Surprisingly, Desmond was still fully clothed. "Hey, Shelby-buns. What's going on?" Sam asked nonchalantly.

"Well," Shelby complained. "I'm bored. I was wondering if you wanted to go er… explore the island?"

"Why not?" Sam shrugged. Then she glanced over at the hot Scot beside her. "As long as I'm with my Dessie."

"Creepy…" Obi-Wan thought out loud.

Soon, Laura had convinced all of them to head towards the Other's camp where she could see, and possibly save, her Jack.

The lot of them were crouched behind bushes, watching as Jack painted a coat of yellow paint on one of the awkwardly placed houses.

"You see this?" Laura whispered. "They're putting him to work! Forcing him to do chores! Oh, guys. This is awful…"

Sam glanced away from Desmond's beautiful face to say, "Nah. I think he's enjoying himself. See that smirk on his face?"

"That's odd…" Shelby said. "Who smirks while they paint?"

"Jack," Obi-Wan answered plainly.

"Idiot," Shelby murmured. She looked over at Laura and saw that she was holding in bottles and bottles of excitement. Her wide eyes stared at Jack with unconditional love.

Finally, Laura burst. "Jack-ums!" she cried. She raced towards an unexpecting Jack Shepard and knocked him into a bucket of yellow paint. Laura didn't care. She just shrieked, "I love you!"

"Idiot," Shelby repeated.

This was enough to get the attention of Juliet who was only a few feet away. She pushed Ben and his wheelchair over in a frantic hurry. "What is all this?" Juliet asked immediately. "Who are you?"

"Jack's new wife!" Laura cried in excitement.

"Who would willingly wish that upon themselves?" Sam asked dreadfully.

"Nice alliteration," Desmond pointed out with a nod.

Juliet pointed at Laura in disgust. "Ben? What are you going to do about this?"

Ben thought for a moment until Laura pointed at his wheelchair in surprise. "Since when are you crippled--that's new," she corrected herself.

"New!" Obi-Wan's eyes widened and he raced into the open. Sam, Ani, Shelby and Dessie hurried and followed him.

Obi-Wan slapped his hand on the wheelchair and his mouth smirked as he hoped that this port-key would finally lead him to his archenemy. Suddenly, everything round him faded to black.

* * *

_Haha well this fandom was fun to write! Next chapter, Obi-Wan's prediction was right. It will be the final finale of finalness. (Not necessarily the last chapter.) Ewan vs Obi-Wan, Hayden vs Anakin and the rest of us just watching! Oh joy! By the way, a little shout out to Hannah who called Hayden by the name of Christian Haydenson. You are amazing! Haha!_

_--Got Scots?_


	8. Go Shoes Go!

**Off in Clone Land**

_Chapter Eight_

"We have to save the baby seal!"

Obi-Wan rubbed his eyes just to make sure he wasn't dreaming. His eyes widened as he saw the perfectly green grass and perfectly blue sky in front of him. It was as if he were stuck in a computer game.

Obi turned to a Hispanic midget by his side. According to the title above the lad, his name was Diego and this was his TV show _Go Diego Go!_. Obi-Wan wanted to chop himself in half with his lightsaber. "Where the Sith are we?" he asked as politely as he could.

Diego turned to him and cried, "What can we use to save the baby seal?"

Desmond hesitantly glanced over at the backpack on Diego's back. "Perhaps..." he began. Sam shot him a strange look. He was actually getting into this. "If we used your wee rucksack..."

"Shut up!" Laura cried. "Where are we?"

Diego looked up at her, "That's right. We'll use Rescuepack to help us swim across the stream and save the baby seal!"

Desmond nudged Sam quickly. "Told you," he grinned. Sam melted in his incredible cuteness.

Suddenly Hispanic music began to play as Rescuepack morphed into a boat. But Diego glanced down at the boat in despair. "Oh no," he said. "We're missing one of the oars." The camera zoomed out and Diego glanced around him. "What can we use instead of an oar?"

"Your brain, maybe?" Obi-Wan muttered.

"That's it!" Diego cried as everyone made a face. "We'll use this stick!" He picked up a giant stick and placed it beside the other oar. "Everybody in! Vayamos!"

Anakin looked over at his master. He wasn't sure what to think. With Obi-Wan being so cynical and hateful, it was hard for Ani to be nice to him, let alone talk to him.

Desmond was first to jump in the boat. Sam embarrassedly scratched her head at the fact that her new lover was getting so into this game, but apparently, he had a strategy. "The quicker we get through this," he whispered to her. "The quicker we get back to the real world. That's where Obi-Wan told me you lot were headed."

"And what makes you want to go back to the real world?"

"My Pen-- uh..." he realised that Sam would be pretty much offended if he told her the real answer. "My pen. My favourite blue pen that I always use... I er... I left it at my house before I embarked on the journey around the world. Just a wee biro. That's all."

Sam didn't believe him.

"Wow!" Diego said as the boat pulled up to the baby seal. "A baby seal! I sure hope there's enough room for him in the boat."

Obi-Wan was just about to shove Diego out of the boat to make room for the blasted seal, when everything around him turned to a staticy fuzz. "What the--"

* * *

Next thing he knew, Obi-Wan was sitting in a salon chair and a flamboyant man behind him was playing with his hair. Obi-Wan was frozen in fear and horror. "Where are we?" he said to the rest of the crew who was scattered amongst the beauty salon.

Before the rest of them could speak, the man behind Obi-Wan waved his fluttery, pink sleeves in the air. "Now for you, sir," he said. "I'm thinking we shave off some of that hair and give you a mohawk. There's an inner rocker in you, I'm sure."

"What kind of show is this?" Obi-Wan screamed as he manoeuvred out of the man's way. He was trying not to get hit by his scissors. "Please help me!"

* * *

Obi-Wan felt light-headed as they arrived in the next place. He wasn't sure what it was, but it looked like a giant shoe store. All of the sudden, Obi was being shoved out of the way by a manly girl named Kelly. "Shoes," she said. "Let's get some shoes."

Desmond was suddenly dragged into the picture by so called Kelly. "These shoes rule," she handed Des a pair of pumps. "These shoes suck. These shoes rule. These shoes suck."

Flustered and shocked, Desmond awkwardly held the pink pumps. "I uh... I don't want these..." he said as the techno music began blaring all around him. He wanted to cover his ears, but he couldn't because he was holding those ridiculous pumps. Now his face was turning red in embarrassment.

"Oh my God, shoes," Kelly said as she walked over towards Laura.

Laura whispered, "I think she has too many shoes."

"Shut up!" Kelly squealed.

"I think you have too many shoes," Anakin muttered.

"Shut up!"

Then Kelly held some shoes up to Shelby and Shelby stood their for a minute, horrified. "Yeah..." Shelby began. She watched as poor Desmond tried to place the pumps back by the window but got slapped by one of Kelly's friends. Shelby continued, "These shoes are too small. They're not going to fit because your feet are so... big."

"Oh yeah, betch?" Kelly said as she tilted her head. "We'll there's something I forgot to tell you--"

* * *

"Today, we celebrate diversity in the work place," a nasally voice said. Obi-Wan shook his head violently in an attempt to get the disgusting voice out of his head. He opened his eyes and he was in a large office space. Fellow employees were seated around him, listening to the nasally voice man speak. By the looks on their faces, Obi could tell that he was their boss. "You there," the boss pointed at Anakin. "That outfit you're wearing sure is... foreign. Where do you come from?"

"Well uh..." Ani hesitated. He wasn't exactly sure what to say. Things were coming at him all too fast. "Coruscant."

"Cor-us-what?" the boss asked.

"Coruscant," Anakin repeated nervously.

"Okay, never mind," the boss tilted his head to the side and it cracked. "You," he looked over at Desmond. "Where are you from?"

"Shoes," Desmond spat out accidentally. "I mean... Scotland." Sam let out a deep sigh. Des glanced over at her nervously.

"Now here's what I'm talking about," the boss nodded.

Obi-Wan heard the man next to him, who's nametag read "Dwight", say, "I don't think this is one of Michael's brightest ideas..." So the boss's name was Michael.

Michael continued, "Now, Scottie McScottie Scot Scot Scot. Would you like to do a bit of a role-play with me?"

"My name is... it's Desmond..." Desmond muttered as he stood. He made his way through the row of chairs to stand beside Michael. Obi-Wan watched with interest.

"Alright, Scottie," Michael said as Desmond stood beside him. "Now let's say... we're in an office. What would you do if I went up to you and asked, 'Hey, Scottie. Got any whiskey on you?'"

"Yeah," Desmond was just about to reach into his pocket to get one of those mini-bottles from the airplane when Michael stopped him.

"No," Michael said firmly. "Just go along with it." He got back into role-play mode as Desmond stood there in shock. "So Scottie," he said. "'After we drink some whiskey you want to go to a _pub _in our _man skirts _and play _cricket_?'"

"They're kilts!" Sam cried. "Not skirts!" She looked like she was ready to punch Michael out, but the boss just ignored her.

"How do you feel?" he asked Desmond. "Do you feel harassed? Hurt?"

Des contemplated for a moment.

"What are you _thinking_ in that wee brain of yours, Scottie?" Michael asked in a horribly fake, Irish accent.

"I'm thinking how you're going to play cricket in a pub. It wouldn't really work out--"

"Shh," Michael said. "Now all I'm trying to say, is that when you notice somebody's funny accent, or funny clothes or funny anything in a workplace, don't assume. I mean, after all, this guy might not even be Scottish at all, right?"

"But I am Scottish. That's why you called me up--"

"No," Michael pointed out. "All I'm trying to say is just because this guy looks Scottish--"

"I don't look Scottish," Desmond frowned. "I was born in Peru."

Michael's voice got even louder this time. "Just because this guy looks Scottish, doesn't mean he is, right? And just because he's Scottish doesn't mean he wears skirts, or goes to pubs or anything, right? So all I'm saying is don't assume. Because all you'll do is make an--"

* * *

Obi-Wan rubbed his head in exhaustion. He was too horrified to open his eyes, but finally convinced himself to. As he looked around him he saw a garden. A nice house. And he was sitting in a driveway with a motorbike parked next to him. "Where am I?" Obi-Wan wondered out loud.

He stood up and the rest of the crew followed him. They slowly wandered up to the front door of the house. Sam was furiously sniffing the air. "I knew it!" she cried suddenly. "It smells like... it_ is_ like... we're in Scotland!" She did a little dance and raced to the door, excited to see the Scottish resident they were going to meet. _Knock, knock._

The door creaked open and a beautiful face peeked it's way through. "Oh my God..." Ewan said. "Oh my God..."

"Shoes," Anakin finished for him.

* * *

_Oh my God, shoes! This is my favourite chapter so far. You might be thinking 'what? Got Scots updated twice in the past two days? What has gotten into her?' Well, my friend Collin came over and we were talking about bad TV shows and then about shoes and we just came up with this idea. He helped me write it and it was his idea to have Go Diego Go! and to have Obi-Wan say, "Your brain, maybe?" That was one of my favourite lines._

_So I hope you guys like this chapter as much as I do. And I hope you were laughing ridicously (sp?) at your computer while you read it. It's always fun to laugh at inanimate objects!_

_-Got Shoes?_


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